With the weekend still lingering around in my memory — I’m not in a loop anymore, it just pops up from time to time — I started thinking about how I’ve reacted to lost friends and relatives in the past. I realized that the intensity of the emotion that hits you when dealing with the loss is completely dependant on the connection. This seems fairly obvious to a lot of us, but there was a time when I would always equate a loss in the blood-family as the hardest hitting, even though I never felt that it was that tough. My grandpa passed away when I was a teen, and we were fairly close. He taught me how to ride a bike and he would take me to Blue Jays games back when it was called the SkyDome. But when he passed away, I saw how devastated everyone was and I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t as an intense feeling of loss for me, from what I remember. Maybe it was because he was on the other side of the world when it happened? Being in the room with Snow was, to reiterate, my first first-hand experience with a death of a loved one. If I had been in the same house as my grandpa when he passed, I can only imagine how much more my feelings would be amplified.
Or maybe it’s a factor of time? I still remember the first funeral I attended. I was in the first grade, and I had found on the message-board-like news channel — before 24 hour reporting networks such as CP24 — that my best friend’s dad had died. I had just been over at their house for a dinner within that same week, and according to my grandma, I wanted to change the channel because I felt sick. That was also the first time I can remember having death be more than just an idea. It was real and happening to my closest friend’s family. At the funeral, I couldn’t even face my friend because I didn’t want to see how hurt he was. I cried in the arms of the rest of his family.
But maybe it’s more than time or type of connection. Maybe it’s a combination of both. I’ve had extended family members pass, but I don’t remember feeling as intense of a loss as Snow, or my friend and former lead singer, Cristina, who was an amazing and unique human being. (I could write posts and posts about her.) It was as if they were both part of the family of my reality. I don’t know if I’d say it was a choice to feel as intensely as I did about their losses, but I can only compare it to the memories of my previous experiences of loss, and I can definitely say that those two were the hardest to handle.
I don’t know. My thoughts aren’t connecting as well as I’d hoped in this post. I just know that I need to put them down here to try to get a better grasp of my own mind-state. I’ll probably find a way to clarify this more down the road. Take it for what it is: just another mind dump.